5 Signs You Need Stronger Boundaries

The first people to complain about your stronger boundaries are the ones who previously trampled over them

Saying no is the kindest thing you can do! Allows the other person the strength to figure it out themselves.

Agreeing to help with a task even when you feel overloaded: describes my whole experience as a young woman in small churches, even when I had small children. I loved the people but I couldn’t say no

When I finally learned how to have boundaries and discovered I was allowed to say no is when I realized who the narcissists in my life were. I never knew my relationship with them was dependent on the fact that I was a people pleaser aka lacked boundaries.

I am learning to identify the differences between people pleasing behavior and the authentic me who genuinely cares about people.

This used to be about me. What scared me about saying "No" is a possibility of being alienated or even meet hostility as a result (I had a controlling mother when I was a kid who'd burst into anger if I refused her). How did I get over it? I realized I don't need other people's validation to see myself as a decent person. It was my inferiority complex talking (they are better, I'm worse, so I depend on what they think of me). In reality they're not superior to me, we're on the same level, so their approval or disapproval means shit. Most of them don't really care about me anyway. Some are even straight up assholes. So fuck them and what they think. My mental health and comfort are more important than some bunch of strangers.

That bit about not being able to rest when you say no TO rest is awesome. I think that’s the trick with all of this self respect and care stuff; we have an internal dialogue that makes it too much work to stand up for ourselves. Step one is saying no, Step two is challenging the internal narrative.

I learned about setung boundaries late in life, in my late 40s, and have been doing very well maintaining them. It is challenging at times bc I'm an introvert who is very conflict-avoidant. But I understand the importance of holding my boundaries so I have learned how to confront people and problems in a healthy way. This video helps me see that I'm doing it right and I feel good after arching it. Thanx Dr. Marks.

Yup. Grew up hearing that whenever I disagreed or said no I was suddenly an extremely difficult person 😂

I had a neighbour , who for years , every planting time in spring would ask for advice and get me to “ show” her how to plant them , I always ended up doing the job for her as she acted so helpless, the I saw through the act and just said “ go to the garden center and see what they suggest “ looking back I had helped her many times when she was perfectly capable of doing it herself . We have to value our time

This is such a cultural issue in the African American community. Thank you, Dr. Marks.

Over sharing personal details really hit home for me. One thing I noticed early in my career is that once I came out as gay, I was forever and always pigeonholed as "the gay bestie" when in reality, that mould didn't fit me. I spent too much time listening to women dump their relationship baggage on me and dragging me out to gay bars when i didn't enjoy drinking, to name a few. It took me a while to learn, I am allowed to keep my personal life private, especially in situations where revealing this information gives people an inaccurate or unflattering perception of me. This is all too common with mental illness as well.

Number two is a BIG one for me. I react with dread whenever someone seems the slightest bit upset with me.

Not wanting to cause disappointment for others, is huge for me! I’ve said yes to stuff my spirit was screaming no towards just because of this !! 😮 I feel relieved to hear this though!

This is right on time. My mom has always been someone who acts helpless and I have been letting her walk all over me. There is always an excuse why i need to sacrifice my time and energy to her, but Im so over it.

Thank you for highlighting this issue, Dr. Marks ❤ I‘m autistic and I‘ve received a lot of accusations of being heartless, unloving and egotistical when I was being my real self over the years. With time I learnt to people please to not hurt others (which has become a big fear of mine) as well as protect myself from being hurt. It‘s so exhausting. When I eventually burn out I completely retreat snd say no to everything. Which also has hurt my relationships. I feel I will never be able to do it right 😔

It's strange how easily we take all childhood survival strategies into our adulthood.... without even questioning its sanity whatsoever.If we do please people,we do IT cause we were trained to do so as kids....to avoid punishment or being rejected. However, we are adults now and we need to unlearn this dysfunctional behavior to become our true authentic selves...we do not need to survive anymore,we are herę to truely live❤

Easier said than done. I would agree start with the small requests

1) overcommitting or people pleasing. 2) feeling responsible for the emotions of others. 3) being unable to express your personal needs or opinions - common if you are conflict avoidant. 4) feeling guilty when prioritising yourself. 5) oversharing personal information with inappropriate/unsafe people.

It feels great to say no, and yes selectively. Once you say no, you can’t cave in. Be careful what you agree to