Good boundaries free you | Sarri Gilman | TEDxSnoIsleLibraries

On the topic of people reacting to your boundaries, it's helpful to remember that it is not your job to relieve uncomfortable emotions in others. It's hard to be present in that discomfort especially when you're a caring, empathetic person, but ultimately they have to deal with their emotions for their own growth. Knowing that relieves a bit of the guilt

I like setting boundaries, it's an expression of love for yourself...

People who actually want to have a healthy relationship with you, that care about your well-being, will not get angry when you set boundries (or at least they will work on getting over it). People who love you don't want to impose on you, hurt you, or make you uncomfortable - they will be grateful if you help them understand how to behave towards you.

The best advice that was given to me was by my therapist. If someone reacts negatively towards you saying “ no” it reflects who THEY are, not you. We can’t please everyone and at the end of the day all we have is ourselves and when we do things all the time for others, we start to forget to do things for ourselves and become lost.

Compassion burnout is very real. You have to take care of yourselves, your the only one that can do that.

What a wonderful, calm talk. I like the slow talking pace, it's like Maya Angelou's. To me, it seems to say - "I don't need to rush what I'm saying out of fear that people will get bored. It's the content of my thoughts that's important. I can be my gentle self if I am the gentle type and still get my strong message across." Thank you for your work.

I like that she actually stops and takes a big gulp of water after she says "self care" the first time. I doubt it was intentional, but perfect. That's right, stop and take the drink of water!

both parents were narcisstic, did not know I could have needs. Did not know how to set boundaries, learning to say No and realizing people get mad when you do, calling you selfish and other choice words but it feels good to not care and finally start caring about me.

Random but I don't think I heard her say "um" once. That's really impressive.

Self care is hard. It needs to be taught in the home, and I believe this necessity of life wouldn't become so hard in our adult years..we wouldn't have so many unhappy marriages, child abuse, broken homes, people stuck in careers for which their unsuited...

Boundaries are important, everyone needs their personal space, especially from work. Self-care also means letting go of those toxic people in your life, reducing all stress agents is vital for mental health. You many like me, try to eat well, work out but if you have all these negative spaces...your mind will not be one with you. Thus the need for that YES/NO compass. I love how Sarri brings it out.

Self care is forever

You have to love yourself enough to show people you deserve respect.

What I'm learning is that you can start to relearn these lessons at any age. As my teacher, Katherine Woodward Thomas says, we are simply missing pieces of development because our parents did not have them to teach us. Thanks so much, Sarri for being our teacher of these critical life skills. xo

i love this talk! The speaker is so genuine. As a petite Asian girl born as a youngest in the family, my role was to be subservient to everyone in the family and please them. I had so much trouble setting boundaries for a long time. And still learning since everyone reacts to yiur "no"differently. Thank you for the speech!

I'm 22 self-teaching personal relationship boundaries. I had a negative, boundary-crossing environment at home. But I'm fortunate to say I am learning to listen to my own voice, create my own value system, set boundaries and respect the boundaries other people make. This stuff is incredible, and you get to practice it everyday.

I have been binge watching TED for the last couple of days and I was never more at peace than when I watched yours Sarri. You are amazing to say the least. You give me that something - that pause , that authenticity and that unhurried approach to everything you say. You almost bought me to tears - couple times. May be it's my compass of self care. Thanks a lot for this video Sarri.

once I finally started saying 'no' to her, she stopped calling me, and when I recently saw her again, she seemed so distant and our connection felt very strained. for so long I had yearned so much for her acceptance, that I had said 'yes' to whatever she asked of me in order to 'win her love'. as long as I said 'yes', we had a functional (for her) relationship, in which her practical needs got met, and my emotional need to feel valuable got met, a little. for a brief time I would feel appreciated by her, and I treasured this precious moment. but then another request would soon come, and I would have to keep giving to her in order to keep her 'love'/ remain in her 'favor'. I still find it sad that after investing myself so deeply for so long, I have so little to show for it (except for sadness, hurt and more self-awareness - which perhaps is most valuable of all). I'm sad to realize that it never had been a true friendship in terms of reciprocal giving, empathy, consideration, support and love.

I was the only child and youngest of cousins and grandchildren. I was always taught to respect my elders and not talk back. I grew up with no boundaries because of this and always kept my mouth shut when I wanted to speak up. I’m 24 years old and just now getting out of this. Looking back my parents didn’t respect my wishes, thoughts, and feelings. I’m sure this played a huge role in that all.

I broke down this year at work. Didn't know how to keep up, and I loved my job and the importance of it. I lost my compass. I've since found it, and am trying self care every day.