5 Things That Made Me Think I Could Be Autistic - Learning to be Autistic Episode 20!

I seem to be a bit unusual in that I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA I was autistic, hadn’t even considered it, didn’t believe it at first, and was only diagnosed (without being aware I was being even being assessed for autism) during 12 months when I just thought I was being treated for CPTSD. Now I look back and realise how obvious it was. It’s just that we thought autism required learning difficulties, but I excelled academically. So thought I would be super successful. Instead break down at 46 and discover I’m autistic af.

I never thought I was autistic until I was thirty at which time I had spent more than half my life under the care of psychiatrists for depression with suicidal ideation and generalised anxiety disorder. I did an online quiz which put the idea in my head but I was immediately told that I was wrong by the people around me. I showed many of the traits you mentioned when younger but they were not well received by my family or peers so I got effectively bullied out of showing them. I wish they hadn’t, I once had a conversation with my Mam which ended with her in tears over the smell of bleach causing me pain. She had said she never realised that smells could cause me pain to an OT at which point I told her that I told her that bleach did and she kept saying that yes but she didn’t realise that until the doctor told her so, I said that I told her and this went on until she was crying and I swear I still don’t understand why I am supposed to believe that a stranger telling her something is possible should be more believable than her own daughter saying I am in pain. I had a very difficult child and young adulthood but I was very much made to feel I didn’t try hard enough. I’m a fair amount older than you and I understand that my psychiatrist’s would never have been educated in autism beyond the pure stereotypes and definitely not taught the differences that women face. I think that’s possibly getting better, my friend Becca who recently received her official diagnosis has just started a job as an autism assessor and I think that the more of us working in mental health the better. I just didn’t know enough about autism so it never entered my head and while I’m disappointed that none of the doctors I was in contact with knew more I was told by my GP that it’s always easy to see looking back after a diagnosis. I’m glad you were able to get a diagnosis younger than me and I am sorry you weren’t even younger because I imagine that makes it easier depending upon your family and how they approach it. Thanks for sharing your experiences again

Thanks Dana, for another story that brought up feelings and memories. I hope that young people now, won't go through the problems and forced repression of themselves. Even though I'm in my 60's, I identify more with young (recently diagnosed) people because I'm just now learning what it means to be autistic. I've always had the traits and struggles, but didn't understand I was autistic. I was bullied by siblings, students and teachers and I was really bored. I built an electric motor in 4th grade, by myself from plans in a book. But I got a zero because the teacher couldn't believe that I had made it. Then I had trouble at home for getting a bad grade. I learned very young that there wasn't any point in trying to explain myself, that I was fvcked no matter what. That's why your videos are wonderful. So someone else can see that their struggles are not unique, and that they're not alone. All the better to learn self acceptance for who they ARE, instead of exhausting themselves trying to be someone they're not.

whew this is really affirming, i've been feeling the impostor syndrome lately and this is all thoroughly relatable i think i was about 30 when i learned that when other people "don't like" a food they don't experience it as "this food seems to be poison" lolol

This is long - but very therapeutic. I always have been obsessed with understanding who i am, and who other people are because it felt like such a big question mark. I have always considered myself impatient and easily overwhelmed and because i have other mental health diagnosis, put my "outbursts" or internal rages - down to that. But one day i had what i would say was my worst meltdown in public and i felt a lot of shame, i know i upset a few friends too but i just had no control over it and that is what got me questioning more. Sensory issues were picked up for me when i started training in occupational therapy and we learned about sensory integration. It came to light i am a sensory avoider and seeker quite heavily in different areas and i had very high and very low scores. I began to just self reflect a lot and due to the pandemic and various MH problems i just wasnt out very much and not seeing people like usual. Then when it came to it, it became so hard to be a person. Like how do i be a person. I realised i was a different person depending on who i was with and not many had seen my true self and i felt if they did know that self they would reject me. I tried to be cool and free i took drugs i partied. but i stopped taking drugs when i was 24 and soon that fun life became not fun to enjoy i always felt a bit anxious anyway like is tihs me? it was an easy identity. i take drugs i rave. im cool enough for sure accept me please. I have many quirks and stims that i sometimes let others see like saying random words and phrases repetitively and sometimes they would catch on and had a lot of people saying them at one time that was funny. and they know that i am a bit unusual and i am lucky i do have NT friends who accept me for who i am but i am still cautious .They dont know i strongly suspect ASD i am waiting confirmation. Perhaps it wont be a shock to them as much as it was to me when i started to put the pieces together. My strong interests in psychology, neuroscience, humans, the dark side of humanity, heavy heavy research, always questionning searching deeply for answers, being very highly intelligent. More intelligent than anyone i know,, besides 1 person, and i am not bragging really it is quite a lonely experience, though i know im not a savant or anything just clever. I jjust relate so much to autism i just know it truly is why i am the way i am in so many facets of life. Various mental serious mental breakdowns spanning accross half of my life soon to be the majority of my life. Huge chunks of shut downs, cannot do any more. no work no school. nothing. Anyway - there is so much to say i should stop. if you read this far reply bananas. bid you farewell lol x

For me it was the sensory issues. I am so incredibly sensitive to sound. I’ve had at least one sound-related meltdown at almost every place I’ve worked at, but when I started working in the pharmacy at Walgreens, suddenly I was getting sensory overload every single day and having multiple meltdowns at work. So that was what made me pull the trigger on getting my diagnosis. And then the more I’ve learned, the more traits I’ve discovered I have!

I love your messages. I teach and have a spectrum students in each class. I do enjoy quirkiness. It is a stress reliever to help and really make a difference. I just don't know how to breach their walls of insecurity to help autistic students faster.

You are hilarious. You could be a comedian tbh. I lol’d several times in this vid. Bravo.

Yeah, the crying meltdowns at the end of the day were a shock starting at 13, i really didnt think autism, and thought depression. Had a weird routine, I would still be do it in the car after work to alanis Morrisette if i didnt give up on Hard industrial maintenance jobs, but yeah ot was weird in highschool.

I certainly had similar characteristics to the ones you describe Dana. However like others on this thread I grew up at a time when autism was never mentioned and generally there was little or no awareness of psychological conditions. There would have been some people diagnosed with autism but only those who were severely disabled non-verbal children who went to special schools. Kids like me were just considered "peculiar", "weird", "difficult", "rude", etc. I knew I was different but didn't understand why until I heard and read about Asperger's Syndrome many years later. That was a diagnosis that was certainly not used when I was young and anyone with AS would have just been lumped into the "weird" category. If I were young now I'd almost certainly be diagnosed with autism and maybe other things as well as there is so much more awareness of these conditions. While that could certainly have helped (more so when I entered adulthood and started to really struggle) I do wonder if it might also have led to lower expectations and that is always a risk when a child receives a diagnosis of autism or other learning disabilities.

Hey Dana! i was 25 before i even considered autism when a doctor and a friend suggested it to me. now i look back, all my friends are neurodivergent too. thanks for the video- Audhdwomanwaits x

Need strong flavours, hyper black coffee, straight whiskey, chillies and extreme spicy food. I think I have a hyposensitivity to food haha. Or perhaps the pain is a stim? Yet I did hate certain foods as a kid, I'd just forgotten because I forced (or someone else forced) me to get over them. Peas for example. I only tried mushy peas in the last so many years and it was ok. Might've added hot sauce to it tho.