THIS Is the Avoidant’s Idea of A Perfect Relationship

Avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present tending to you in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or even doing mundane chores next to you. The illusion of intimacy is created without real life. Like 2 ships passing in the night

DA's Needs: Acceptance--- except they'll judge and flaw find YOU and dismiss your pain, even when they cause it Support--- except they struggle expressing empathy, don't want to work through issues, and feel like they don't have to or want to help you with emotional problems. Understanding--- except they don't understand or consider why you're asking for simple basic needs and wants. Harmony---- except they wreak havoc on the relationship, your mental health, emotional safety, and self esteem. Maybe some shadow work is necessary before an AP or anyone else should be expected to provide these things while they fall completely apart due to the actions of their DA partner.

I can see this. The DA who's been in my life for a while is so adorable when I compliment him. He smiles ear to ear and even gets a little shy which he is generally the opposite of. It's funny because we've kind of switched roles in the emotional vulnerability department. Now that I lean more secure, I'm just a little more stoic and in control of my emotions. I'm not closed off, just balanced. He feels more comfortable doing sweet little things and emotionally venting when he needs to. If you're in a hurry to find a partner and want marriage and children, a DA likely won't be a great fit unless you're secure and patient. But if you're just flowing and don't have time to invest in a relationship that requires a lot of time spent together because you have a busy life outside of the two of you, it could work. They can and do fall in love. It's just rare they find someone who accepts them without judgement and lets them move in their own DA way. If they feel accepted and the feelings are strong, they love very much. If you're used to or need more than they are capable of giving, that's where you might not be a long-term match.

There is a reason it is difficult for avoidants to fall in love. It's not possible to really fall in love while we're too busy protecting ourselves. Like turns into love through vulnerability - we start to deeply love people when we feel seen and heard by them - we feel able to show and be open about our true selves (at our best and worst). For avoidants this can involve admitting to our shame-filled avoidant desires, needs and pasts, and in doing so discovering they do not need to be a source for shame after all. Until we're willing to be vulnerable like this, we cannot truly love. When we instead become protective we ultimately become resentful because we don't feel seen, while simultaneously resenting attempts to see us we don't feel ready for, and partnerships become stale. Until we can rid ourselves of the shackles of shame to feel safe truly opening ourselves to another, the closest many avoidants get to feeling love is feelings of yearning or limerence that come from distance (emotional or physical) in a relationship - distance that often actually works against the long-term stability of that relationship.

The problem I've had is that when having dealt with a person who is more avoidant, when I did express needs I had by using I statements, they took it as criticism. I said, "When I don't hear from you for multiple days at a time, it makes me feel like I'm not valued, and it makes it harder for me to build a connection with you." So even expressing needs of communication, it can be taken as criticism. It's hard to make them feel safe and comfortable when you bring up the needs you have because then there is an expectation of them.

I genuinely don't understand what is meant by "acceptance." Every DA I've closely interacted with (my parents are DAs, my brother and his wife are DAs, I've had 2 close friends who are DA) have very painful behaviors that are patently unacceptable: each one has been very self-absorbed, critical, highly defensive with even the slightest, most gently worded criticism, conflict avoidant, and very, very unempathetic. I know Thais always says that we have to speak up for ourselves in these interactions, but by doing so, we are clearly saying to the DA that these key aspects of their current coping mechanisms ARE unacceptable. Because they are. Am I misunderstanding something?

I think you really nailed it in this video, and I hope more people give it a serious listen if they are trying to make a relationship with a DA work. Those key needs/wants: - Feeling accepted and appreciated - Being able to do our independent things - A peaceful home and harmonious relationship There's a lot of DA hate in the comments on these videos, but does that list really sound so wild and unreasonable? Honestly as a DA I feel like I'm asking for so little in a relationship, like I'm really trying to be easy to be with. But I left a 10 year marriage because an Anxious wife repeatedly did the opposite of those 3 things.

Am I trippin or do avoidants expect exactly the things they are never ever going to give themselves?

A lot of DA hate in these comments. As a DA I've dated all the other insecure attachment styles and have been hurt by all them as well in different ways. But I don't shit on them and say these blanket statements about how they all are. I like these as a guideline and resource to figure myself out and figure out other people. But it shouldnt be used as a definitive rule. Everybody is still and individual and should be treated as such.

OOOOH I want to congratulate you Thais you never sounded CLEARER! I feel your voice is just ever so slightly higher piched and it flows beautifully. In fact the vocal fry that was preventing me & a few others from getting some bits here and there, might just come from lowering your voice beyond its natural range. For instance the ad segment in the end, sounds lower-pitched. Somehow without the strain to perk ears up, it REALLLY MAKES the listening + assimilating experience much smoother for us - for me, at any rate. Thanks! Lovely voice!

Also, TAKEWAY GEM: "If these fears and wounds are AVOIDED" => the avoidant stops avoiding his/her feelings and therefore you ? This is going full circle... once you leave no stone unturned. Thanks & bravo again!

My ex DA held held all the cards. I don’t have the desire to date anymore. Being in my early 50s my ex DA was my last relationship. That was almost 4 years ago and our second time around. Funny how I never thought I would give up on finding love. Too many competing factors.