The Hero Child - Roles in Narcissistic / Dysfunctional Families

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This dude turned on his camera, described my childhood, then left.

I’ve never been able to put into words the way you just did for me. Wow! My mind is blown. I’m the oldest. And after years of therapy and self discovery. I realized I was almost operating on auto pilot. No one had to really tell me what to do or how to act. I just picked it up. I learned quickly to go along with the picture that was painted for outsiders. I kept everyone in line. Took on the parenting role for everyone including my parents at times. It’s liberating to know that I wasn’t going crazy. The things I noticed and the things Ive felt are real.

I definitely am the hero child. I am the oldest. Felt like the whole world was on my shoulders growing up. I was always called the, "repsonsible one. " It was my job to take good care of my siblings. Unfortunately, anxiety is still part of my life, especially in social situations. Thanks for your videos. 😊

My husband is the hero child I think. But he is only like this with his mother. He’s not the typical type that wants to fix things for everyone else- only the ones he will look like a hero to. Won’t for me even though I give him everything. Our marriage takes the hit. He won’t ever try to fix our marriage or find solutions. He won’t ever say his mother is wrong. Attacks me instead, stonewalls for weeks and creates so much distance between us. Sleeps in the spare room and we live separate lives under the same roof- the same roof we live in with his mother. I feel so alone and abandoned. I’m thinking of leaving him. So worn out and alone. He wants to always be the hero to his family but never steps and does his part for our marriage. I believe he is creating distance so I have no choice but to end our marriage and he can look like the hero.

He said "you are my hero", and I knew there was my problem.

It's so strange. All 3 of us siblings could be deemed as "hero" children.....although in different ways. My teen years in that house were the most difficult of my life.

This was my life until age 50. Now, finally I have started living for me. Thanks for making everything so clear. I never understood why I ended up in 2 marriages with narcissists, why I was unable to recognize it until later. It was the one thing puzzling me. Now I live on my own, living my best life. You are right about the resentment towards family, but I suppose it will get easier later on. I heal by surrounding myself with genuine friends, doing the things I love, and distance myself from my relatives. My life is getting better every day, and your videos are making my journey a lot easier. Thanks for helping me put the last pieces together in understanding why things happened to me. Your channel makes a difference.

Thank you very much for this video Darren. I’m the oldest child and this video very much describes my role in the family. Unfortunately the healthier I’ve gotten after therapy and the support of the Al-Anon program the more my family has come to Scapegoat me. Siding with my addict ex husband was the first awareness I had. I am now working on becoming an escaped goat and mourning the loss of my Narc Dad and siblings. I understand now that they want to remain in denial and dysfunction. I will no longer be the punching bag of this family.

My brother is the Golden Child, or Baby Jesus as my sister and I refer to him. I don't know what goes on in his mind, because according to him, he had a wonderful childhood, while my sister and I seem to have been raised by entirely different parents. I don't think he has the capability of self-reflection. He is the oldest, and my parents should have stopped having children at him. It's maddening he won't acknowledge what our life was like, but I don't have a relationship with him either. Your videos are bringing a lot of things to light for me. Thank you.

This describes my older sister, to a great extent - why I added that last statement I'll explain later on. My narc mother paraded my sister around like a dodo in a cage to anyone who would listen and/or pay attention (whether it be at my parish church or at the shops) when my sister decided to join a particularly well known religious order of nuns. There was a lot of reflected glory there and, as I was a teenager at the time, my own needs and my own identity were being neglected; I was constantly being compared to her and I was even asked if I had a vocation to the religious life myself. All the while, though, I was happy for her that she had the chance to escape the medically dysfunctional family we were in. My sister suffered a nervous breakdown just a year short of her first vows and had to leave. My narc mother lied about the reasons for her departure and when my sister was told about this, she was very angry and went to great pains to set the record straight with those who told her what my mother said. A few years down the line, she became a mature student at two Universities that held much prestige - yet again, my mother basked in the reflected glory once more and disregarded the fact that my sister struggled to cope, had operations to remove tumours from her tongue (and didn't tell any of us until she eventually told me because she trusted me to keep it a secret) and was on the verge of being kicked off her course! She eventually graduated with a low-score degree. Instead of staying at one of the university cities where she studied to make good use of her degree, she came back home. She became a carer for my sick dad, elderly grandmother and now my mum. In more recent times, I would ask her how she felt about being a caged dodo (I actually used the expression monkey in a cage) and she went on to say she hated every minute of it! When she was at the nuns in Rome, our mother would telephone her to not ask how she was but to berate her for leaving home, tell her that dad was sick and kicking off (he was mentally ill - no surprises there) etc. etc. etc. and all kinds of other manipulative lies and falsehoods. My sister told me that the reason for her breakdown was because the religious sisters were very kind and good to her - and she couldn't cope with it! Also, it was one of my parish priests who saw through my mother's narcissistic shenanigans like lead crystal and supported us as best he could. To sum up, if there is an opportunity for the narc to bask in reflected glory on their children's career choice or education etc. they'll grab it with talons and claws but only if there is something in it for them - particularly prestige! It doesn't matter if the child is achieving through their own sweat and efforts - that is, without their overbearing, narc parent. PS: My achievements weren't worth anything to my narc mother ... thank God!

Check, check, check……that’s me. It took me until I was 40 until I finally refused to participate in my mother’s narcissistic delusions and did not want her poison to spread to my own family. Once she knew I wouldn’t lie for her, she went to great lengths to discredit me to anyone who would listen, even my children and husband. Thankfully my husband and children saw her tactics for what they were end manipulation aimed at getting people on her “team“. It has been 10 years since I stood up to and walked away from my mother and I have come to realize that she will never want to make peace with me because she can no longer control me. She knows I will not propagate her lies so I am dangerous to her. Once you see the dysfunction for what it is, the behavior of people like my mother becomes so predictable. Good riddance

Yeah. This is me and still doing it at the age of 60. Narcissist father died two years ago. Heard all of the enabling comments from my mother (Now 95). Dealing with my own cancer and loads of other things, it's a relief to hear this video. Ma keeps telling me that 'We never had fights' and that's because she caved at every opportunity. He was a violent bully.

I am the youngest of four siblings, but this was me. However, I'm also the only girl and there was huge difference in how we were raised.

This is exactly my life. I left home at 50 and it's taken me 3 more years to learn how to help myself, despite the world believing that I was strong and reliable. It was my secret shame that my own mother rejected me and i can still do nothing to please her. Iwas her surrogate husband after my father died though i don't think she really cared for him either. Thank you for this video.

Thanks Darren. Yes to everything. Older sibling is mentally disabled so I "had" to be the mature, smart, subservient, correct one to prove that my parents are "really good". So much chaos and abuse going on around me and toward me I was afraid of everyone. I felt sick all the time and I suppressed all of my feelings as they were never believed when I voiced them as well as shamed and raged at. I grew more ill as time went on. Had multiple NDE. One day I just decided to stop trying to "make them see me" and I eventually cut contact. But of course I am now the "evil" one for "breaking up the family". Oh well. I am learning and growing and healing and it was the best decision I could have made, I just wish I had done it sooner.

This is so me.... I have alot of work to do but praise be the Lord Jesus who loves me and shows me mercy and I have faith I will leave the dysfunction of my family behind.

I am both the hero child and black sheep.

Spot on. I'm the eldest of 5 with a narcissist mother that was an addict and until recently I was in a relationship with a narcissist that was also an addict. I'm a rescuer and a people pleaser. I'm ready to heal now if I can work out where to start. Thankyou for your insight 🙏

I'd never heard this term before but I certainly recognised the description. I totally parented my mother, and was a victim of emotional incest at her hands as well. I did have some moments of childhood freedom, but only when my father was around. Even though he has always been an empty shell with no emotions, he was a reasonable father now I see the truth of it. I grew up believing my mother that he was the root of all evil. He wasn't. It was her! (I've seen my father smile twice in my entire life.)