How Insecure Attachment Keeps Us Attracted To People Who Are Wrong For Us (& How To Break The Cycle)

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It's so unfair. You're born not receiving the love and care required as a human being, and spend the rest of your life searching for (and never receiving) that same love and care 😢secure people don't know how lucky they are. To be loved all their lives

"In a secure partnership, it's not at all about solving each others' problems, it's about enjoying each others' problems."

I like how she always uses "we" and "us" and "I" when explaining secure and insecure, instead of "you"

“You’re denying parts of yourself, and those parts that you’re denying might actually be the things that, if you stepped into them, would make you the most attractive to other people.” I find this to be incredibly encouraging. Thank you Heidi ❤

She don't miss, she just doesn't miss

Heidi, coming from a psychology backround and currently writing my master’s thesis, I want to pay you utmost respect. How you presented this content is groundbreaking and beyond eyeopening. So many more people should get to see this! Thank you 🙏🏼

Ok, one more: I am so relieved to realize these are LEARNED strategies that are causing problems for us and we CAN change!!

When we are operating from a place of strategy to be perfect for the other person, we get hurt by rejections even if we didn't like them because we are disappointed in ourselves for not being good enough as our fake version. We also get upset that the other person wasn't going to be a fake version of themselves to mould into us just to make the relationship survive. I've been through this many times when I didn't even like them or even hated them but then I feel so deflated when they leave.

Your framing around anxiously attached people being afraid to show confidence because then they will no longer be someone who requires care and will be abandoned, is an excellent insight. I had never seen it that way. But it explains a lot about why codependent people in my life don't seem to be capable of becoming secure. The anxious person requires that they stay needy and incapable so that the avoidant person can maintain their role of rescuer. Neither of them is willing to give up even an inch of that dynamic. Once I became secure and started expressing my ability to confidently do my own thing and set boundaries I lost the most anxious people in my life. I have no problem with that.

Your videos make me cry a lot because I get to hear from someone else that my unmet needs aren't fundamentally wrong, its just a matter of aligning myself with someone who knows they aren't wrong. It really hurts since I don't know how or where to find that person.

Anxious - I'm not ok, others are ok. I need other person to complete me. Avoidant- others are not ok, I'm ok, I need to help others to be in a relationship. Secure - Everyone are ok, I need to find someone who adds value to my life. We tend to seek what's familiar, i.e, inauthenticity in case of insecurely attached. WE DON'T SEEK WHAT WE WANT, WE SEEK WHAT'S FAMILIAR.

While my parents "didn't know any better" they are just exactly as they were, and I get to spend the rest of my life watching these videos and being in treatment. The process of this healing is life-long and utterly disabling. (there's only so far a bird can fly born with one wing)

Heidi this video blew my mind. You are removing all of our blindfolds, one by one. It's SO SIMPLE - how were we all living in such a fog? 🤦‍♀️

I have found that I've been the authentic one in the last couple relationships I've been in, and the women I dated started having the facade drop after 6 months or so of being together. It's hard being on the receiving end of someone who is being the person they think you want to see, or the person they wish they were, or maybe even the person they want to be but aren't quite there yet. Everyone is hurt when you're not your authentic self.

Month 4 of having of my anxious heart shattered and the worst mental health crisis of my life. Thank you Heidi for gently helping me traverse the darkness.

You sound like a surgeon of attachment styles 😊

I can totally see you developing a relationship guidance tool that asks one question at a time and, based on the answer to that question, guides a person to not only know themself but offers resources to be accessed that will help to fill in areas of deficit before the next question is accessed - a sort of mentorship program that will finally result in someone who is ready to enter a relationship securely. You have so much to offer and I so appreciate that you are sharing what you love to do. I take your book suggestions seriously and am currently reading 6 Pillars of Self Esteem. I have been avoidant and shame-bound for decades but hope to turn that around now that I recognize it. Thank you for what you have given to me. ❤

We need a “love” button YouTube, sometimes a like isn’t enough.

When I read Memoirs of a Geisha about 25 (?) years ago I recognized myself as the geisha. I tried, and was really good at, becoming exactly what they wanted and needed. I’ve 4 serious proposals and pre-proposed to ( if that’s a term) at least 5 times. Married twice. Single now for 4 years. Both parents Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In addition to addiction, neglect, abandonment, physical abuse, etc. I’ve been in the healing process for the past 4 years, I hope to have a loving healthy relationship someday. I jokingly tell people that I don’t have baggage what I have is a huge set of luggage. lol