Adult with Autism | Denying Late Autism Diagnosis | 60

“It’s hard to know where that mask starts and where the real you starts.” Exactly this - this has been the question since my diagnosis at 45. Thank you, Paul - I feel much less alone hearing that.

I’m so glad you mentioned not wanting to attend family events because you don’t get anything from them. I have always felt like I’ve had to force myself to spend time with my family and sit through excruciating small talk that lacks substance or connection. My family are more like familiar strangers to me, than family. It’s always felt that way, for as long as I can remember. I constantly wondered if I’d been secretly adopted, or abandoned by aliens, because I never had a sense of belonging in my family. Finally at age 40, I’ve stopped forcing myself.. I’ve learned to sit with the discomfort and guilt - that I was conditioned to feel - of knowing that they don’t understand why I’ve chosen to distance myself. My entire upbringing was one big act, like an actor on stage, performing, so everyone else will think I’m “normal”. I don’t want to keep acting anymore.

You're not broken, damaged, or disabled. Thank you for allowing us your strength, courage, and hope, Paul. Lots of love. Jess

" You thought autism was a brand of mint" 😂🤣🤣😂 😂😂😂🤣🤣 This is my new favorite catchphrase

I am 59 years old. I have watched many of your videos--it's all starting to make sense. I have been diagnosed: bipolar, CPTSD, Borderline, Major depression. I had an ex girlfriend tell me I was autistic and ADD. Now, after watching your videos--especially the one on 6 reasons you might be autistic or something like that, it all makes sense. My high-school girlfriend from decades ago told me recently I'm single because I'm scary--too smart and too honest. Now, what do I do? Thank you for your videos. I relate to everything you say.

I agree that it's better to be alone than to be with a wrong person!!!

absolutely. for us, recharge time is not free time. for neurotypicals they can be synonymous. but for a lot of us, recharge takes some energy as well.

Thank you very much for this excellent video. ❤️ I love your honest, no shit, presentation style. I hit a wall last year, at age 62, discovered to my horror that I was Autistic 2 months ago. I was one of those prejudiced people who either never gave Autism a thought or believed they were all 'Arm Flapping Broccolis". A brand of breath mints works too😭 Raised to believe all birth defects should be euthanized so was very motivated to mask as a child. Have been struggling in the Mental Health services for 47 years with multiple diagnoses, dreaming on a cure. Not really sure what to do now. I have been actively shattering and crushing my personality my whole life with the assistance of well meaning psychiatrists. Not even sure how much of me is left. Some masks were easy to identify because I can no longer hold them but at present, I learn, try to recover from burnout and avoid everyone. Videos like yours are a gamechanger. Thank you.🌹🫶🌹 Hope you are feeling better soon. 🥰🥰🇨🇦

"I don't need spoons!" 😂 "Forgot the name, the elephant one" 😂 Great to have you back Paul. Love your videos. They realy help me to make sense of things and balance me out. I had a problem with the glands and lymphs in my neck after covid too. They seem to be OK now so try not to worry. It's people that don't get these things checked out.. I'm getting a small lump on my leg removed in the next few months and I'm thinking the worst as always. I have had pretty negative experiences in the past when disclosing my diagnosis. But, recently I changed GP and it was the best move as she is so understanding and knows her stuff about Autism and adhd etc I went away feeling great. Thanks again, take care and hope to see you back again soon!

Thank you so much for making this... You hit the nail on the head by describing how at 51 i was put on the NHS waiting list 6 months ago because i went to my GP and told her i dont know whyvi am here but.... I left with an anxiety and depression diagnosis and antidepressants.... A year later after no change i how i felt i went for my medication review with a different GP who passed me on to her colleague who had experience working with autustic people and after a chat about me, my past and my mother..... Well here i am on that list 😁

New subscriber - diagnosed yesterday at 41 - wasn't a shock but happy to find a truly honest person talking about ALL the aspects of late diagnosis, not just the "celebrated" social media angle - which again is like another pressure to fit in - I must be happy about it or else I'm letting the "side" down 🤦‍♀️

Thank you for making this video. I totally relate. It is hard to explain or for the neurotypical to understand the difference between recharge and free time.

I told my mother who is 87 and she reacted exactly the way you said - it is funny how predictable it can be. My family is in complete denial and apparently there is nothing wrong with me..well I knew that already, but apparently as you say, no parent wants that "terrible' label for their child, even though that label, made my life 1000000% better because I knew how to look after myself finally at age 51. Any person who denies you, yes, you are right, I can't mask for them anymore either, so they effectively wipe themselves out of my life because they cannot accept me and that's ok because it's not healthy to keep people like that in your life anyway. Thank you for the 'free time versus recharge time' that really hit me in a good way. Love your work and hope you feeling better soon.

The part about not being able to do it anymore that really hit home. That went on for over a decade in my case before I finally had an answer. The answer was autism and the hope I felt post diagnosis slowly eroded as I disclosed my diagnosis and met with, either indifference or hostility in response. A few people understood and we’re supportive. Most were not. It’s like being C on a life raft after a horrible shipwreck a drift for years, and suddenly what appears to be rescue steams towards you only to turn away at the last minute and say you’re fine and head off on its way. Leaving a huge wake that threatens to swamp your little raft. Wow just wow….

Thank you for making this video. So powerful. It certainly 'spoke' to me and my experiences. I hope that your anxiety levels reduce soon.

Me again, watched and listened again. You speak fiercely, passionately and eloquently. That is a gift. And in that gift is the help you want to give to those who deeply need it. Like me. 70-something and different as far back as I can remember. Didn't walk through a door. Read Temple Grandin, book on the "discard sale" library shelf, cover with a beautiful dog head, called Animals in Translation, rattled my bones with recognition. Then read many of her sources, parallel reactions, joy and sorrow. But still alive to have otbers explain me to me. It affects everything, doesn't it, past and present, and however long the future is when 70-some with serious health panic. I know there is not long enough left to process it all. I thank you deeply. I look forward to all the other videos--to have a companion spirit in this solitary journey within matters to me perhaps more than you can imagine, Paul.

Thanks so much Paul for sharing your experience. I was nodding my head the whole way through! Totally get the health anxiety and I wish you well in life. I am 50 in July and finally got diagnosed at 38 but I am still processing now. I am realizing a lot of my family are probably autistic and masking but they,ve also been very abusive also - a lot of generational shame. Shame is a tough one- i'm seeing in in myself and my family, society and the invalidation. I was in mental health services for 18 years after a suicide attempt at 20 when a psychiatrist finally said "Has Liz ever been tested for autism" (My younger brother got diagnosed at 6 and just recently one of my cousins in his 40's o my fathers side) . Autism also runs on my mothers side. My mother happens to be very narcissisitic and I'm not sure if it's shame based or whether she is autistic and masking too. She exhibits BPD traits which I originally got diagnosed with and I also know it's possible to have both as well as misdiagnosis. As I spend less time with my mother I am my real self and how my mother devalues and people pleases. I am logical, calm an straightforward around her but I can't be around her often. She has mocked my disability at times then acted caring so I give a wide birth. I genuinely also feel empathy as well as protecting my own sanity - her upbringing was awful but she still try's too much too see the good while denying how she was abused and of course the anger comes out sideways at other people!

This hit hard for me. I don't think any other content creator has approached this subject the way you do. The journey of how we got to seek a diagnosis, is so important. Thanks for another great video. Wishing you health and contentment. You are very much appreciated.❤ ❤❤

This was such a helpful video. I'm going through some crises, some of it from ill reactions to me because I'm autistic. I'm not going into details about that because I'm trying to recover, but you are right about feeling resentful about it. I always just kept my head down and tried not to be seen as different, but that's no longer my job. Here are a couple of easier situations that I'm thinking about after this video. I took a hiatus from a small social group I was part of. Partly I was quite busy, but I think it was also that I hadn't told them I'm autistic and that became more and more difficult, not knowing how I would be received. Well, I decided to tell them soon and probably next time we get together, I will. Previously I felt confused/conflicted about telling them and wanting to be with them kind of withered. Thinking about telling them feels healthy, like I am standing up for myself. On the other hand, I told a member of my nuclear family and he said, "No, you're not." Thing is, he's clearly autistic but not diagnosed. Part of his response is from his own masking, I'm sure. If you have been masking and partly successful in life., so this was likely a threat to that. I previously told another family member and it was the same. It's very, very clear she is also autistic.. Much autism in my family and much defensiveness. The second person has had a hard life economically and mostly hasn't worked,. She's normally very defensive and that's impression management, but her masking is less successful than the other person and it's clear she doesn't understand why she gets rejected so much,. If neither of these people doesn't react well to me saying I'm autistic, it may be that they have been hurt more than I have and are more heavily masked. It hurt briefly when they said this, but the good thing was I realized that no one had to believe me, it doesn't change that I am autistic. Once I understood that it was freeing. If the members of my social group don't react well, I don't see any future for me in the group, so it will probably dwindle my seeing them. However, with the autistic family members, I will keep my relationship with them since I understand them as being probably more damaged by the reactions to their autism than I was. I don't live close to either, mostly chat on the phone. I do know, after enduring a lot at large Thanksgiving gathering, that I won't be doing any more gatherings like that. It was miserable and took weeks to finally recover. Always been so, but I never quite understood why. You've been helpful to me understanding that. Thank you.

Thank you Paul. It takes so much out of us to even talk to people. I appreciate you time and brilliant insight. It means a lot to me. So good to see you! I was diagnosed at 64.