The Myth of Heroic Masculine Purpose, and How it’s Harming Men

When I think of a real life example of heroic masculinity, I think of my grandfather. He taught at our town's middle school for decades. He was involved in the community. Sometimes it seemed like he knew everyone. I couldn't go anywhere without someone learning my last name and going "oh, are you related to the math teacher? I loved being in his class!" He was a devout Christian of the kind that his non religious friends and acquaintances would say "I'd never darken the door of a church, but if I did, I'd want to be his kind of Christian." He and my grandma went out for coffee every afternoon and at each restaurant they frequented, they got to know all the staff and really cared about them as people. Grandpa never did anything that made the national news, but he did bring me a milkshake when I had my wisdom teeth out. He loved us. He made a difference in his little corner of the world. I think that was heroic.

"Heroic men die but they don't do laundry." Brilliant, simply brilliant. As a mother, when ever asked if it's worth having kids, I would answer: "It's worth it if you're aware that you will sacrifice your life for your child. Most likely not in any big, heroic way like stepping in front of a bus or wrestling a crocodile to save it, but in a very simple, mundane way: You will give up your time, your energy, your own interests, your needs, your sleep, your peace of mind, most of the space inside your brain, your comfort, literally everything, and you can't even expect a "thank you", because by the time your child becomes aware of what you've done for it, it will be too late. And no one, ever, will highly praise you for all of this, or put up your statue anywhere, or make you the subject of a song, a novel, or a movie, because this is just your ordinary, freakin' duty."

Not everybody has to be an exceptional man, most of the time it is more than enough to just be a good man, a good friend, a good father, a good son.

Like chief Hakoda said to Sokka, being a man is knowing where you're needed. And where we are needed is usually the mundane

I remember, as a teenager, telling myself how much I preferred being a "lone wolf". The quiet guy sitting in a corner of the cafeteria by himself, not talking to or acknowledging anybody, because it was cool, edgy and mysterious. I was okay being alone because I knew that, one day, I'd become someone important and I would make up for all the time I spent alone after that point. After I'd fulfilled my "destiny". I look back at that point and cringe. I wasn't cool, edgy or mysterious, I was just an introvert with massive social anxiety. My "destiny" wasn't real, just an excuse I made for myself. Now as an adult I realize how much I dislike being a "lone wolf", and that my loneliness back then was really my mind screaming at me that I had a problem that needed to be addressed.

"I thought I'd make one for the boys" was so unintendedly hilarious to hear lol

I remember something I saw a while ago, a post about "Lord Of The Rings Masculinity", as opposed to action movie masculinity. Like, don't be afraid to tell your friends that you love them, don't be afraid to cry or be moved by the small yet meaningful gestures, things like that. Maybe The Lord of the Rings movies were trying to teach us the right way about being a man, and we just weren't listening. Because, like the other heroes mentioned, Frodo takes on this "Heroic Masculine Purpose"... and it breaks him. It is too much for him, and he is only able to make it because he had a friend by his side to support him. Aragorn and the rest of the Fellowship go to war with Sauron, not for their own personal glory or because they believe they can overcome him, but to distract the enemy from Frodo and Sam so they can fulfill their mission. The strongest and most heroic characters of trilogy... are nowhere near where the true fight to end Sauron is taking place, but just a sideshow. The ones who deal the decisive blow aren't the returned kind, the sturdy dwarf, or an elf that's like a radioactive spider bit a ninja, it's the smallest and most humble of them all. We need more stories about Lord of the Rings Masculinity, honestly. Because abandoning everything for some "glorious purpose" is easy. Waking up every morning and going to work so that your family has food on the table and the bills stay paid, working and suffering hardships for the sake of your friends and loved ones, that is real masculinity. That's putting in the work that matters. Maybe your heroic masculine purpose was to be a good father to your children, a loving husband to your partner, a respectable son to your parents, a reliable brother to your siblings, a supportive companion to your friends. Maybe it was right here, doing what you've been doing, and you never realized it. Maybe you are sacrificing yourself for the sake of a better world, but smaller sacrifices for the part of the world that's yours.

You saved my life a long time ago by introducing me to Viktor Frankl through your “review” of the grey. I was going to kill myself and I had no hope. I earned a degree and changed careers due to that one video and an introduction into Man’s Search for Meaning. I love you always. And I will be never be able to repay this debt of character.

Great video. Although Aragorn is a great character, I feel the character in LOTR that fits "facing challenges in our lives without a promise of glory" is Sam, not Aragorn. Frodo and Aragorn are kinda similar characters, where the heroic journey is forced upon them whether they like it or not, but Sam chooses to be one. Nobody would have thought less of him for not following Frodo, nobody bows down on him as the hero, but still he's there every step of the way, doing the things he can.

I just turned 27 and have been actively looking for my "heroic masculine purpose" the past few years. Recently I realized that I have become withdrawn from my everyday life and live in a fantasy: "Some day I will have discovered my purpose and then I will be able to reallly show up and give my gifts to others." By the end of the video I was crying aloud since you expressed what I felt so well that it touched something deep inside me. I am beyond grateful for your videos.

I had never heard of "Heroic Masculine Purpose," but I do know that being a "hero" is never about "wanting" to be a hero, but "having" to be a hero. The "superhero trope" is just that, a trope - an unsustainable role that should inspire us to be better, while being mature enough to realize that it's impossible to be THE hero.

This is why I loved the Christopher Reeves Superman. If anyone was born to have heroic purpose, it was he, but his purpose was purely in the service of others, not just in big, saving the world type ways, but in small things too. It was the small courtesies, helpful favours and perfect politeness that defined Superman for me.

"Some belive it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love." -Gandalf

that was a fantastic message. At 36 years old, I have been through many of the same realizations as you mentioned, and found that the hardest heroes journey is indeed the day to day life, and being present for those who need us

I just finished reading the Epic of Gilgamesh, which is broadly considered to be the earliest written story ever. It has a lot of super masculine themes, the characters of Gilgamesh and Enkidu being physically huge and powerful, but they both also: - Cry - Get scared (a lot) - Hold hands - Get lonely - Feel grief The desire for greatness and exceptionality is not new, it's old. But imagining man as an emotionless vacuum is a more modern creation and modern problem. I also found it interesting that the Epic of Gilgamesh had a lot of female characters (a lot more than films/books from recent history, like the 1940s-1990s).

This is part of why "Free Churro" is my favorite episode of Bojack Horseman. He talks about exactly these things: "Everything I ever learned about being good, I learned from TV." And how he was so attracted to the idea that you could just show up at the end of the day with some grandiose gesture and make everything all right. But no, he says, "You have to be consistent." You have to show up every day and do the little things in order to actually be a good person.

Incredible video!! The greatest hero I know is my Granddad, who looked after my unwell grandma (Ona) for over a decade without ever complaining. When you have kids, this shift in perspective is almost unavoidable.

You played a scene for a second toward the end from "It's a Wonderful Life" and I think that movie perfectly encapsulates your greater point. George Bailey is a man that constantly gave up what he thought was his heroic quest of worldwide meaning and exploration to help the people that were in front of him. His habit of sacrificing what he thought was going to be his next big step in his own masculine pursuits ended up making him the legend that his small town reveres. As always, love the content!

Hi! I loved this video! When I look at my dad, who worked as a police detective (mostly human trafficking, sometimes drugs and violent crime) for many years and helped solve quite a lot of crimes, I'm obviously proud of him and his 'heroic deeds', but (maybe quite selfishly) my heart swells the most when I think about how he has always invested so much time in my upbringing. I recently found this box in the attic with this witch's potions recipe book and treasure maps that we made together: he would spend entire afternoons playing with me and he was always there for me. Both my parents made sure they were there to pick me up from school; both cooked and did housework. And now that I am in my twenties, I love that our relationship has changed so that we can still have fun together and he still takes care of me every now and then, but he is also open-minded and respects me as an adult individual. My dad is a masculine man: he enjoys more stereotypical masculine hobbies such as classical cars, working and creating things with his hands and video games but he also loves more stereotypically female hobbies such gardening, drawing, art and music, and he hates strong liquor and football/soccer :) My dad has always despised being told what to do (idk why he joined law enforcement tho but it seemed to work out for him) and I do think that did count as well for it meant to be a man. As a woman, I've always admired his form of masculinity.

I'm not a man, but I have definitely been drawn into the fantasy of being "burdened with glorious purpose". As a Christian, I definitely get bogged down in thinking myself virtuous for having purpose. I don't think that the idea of each person having a calling and pursuing that calling in order to become better is a bad thing. But a lot of people, including myself, mistake it for something epic, like from a story. I always thought that to love my enemy, I would have to die in their place like Jesus did. But God never said that. He said to love them. And love, in it's truest sense, is not a flashy thing. It can be as simple as forgiving someone for purposefully stepping on your toe, or taking a minute to admire a child's drawing and encourage them to keep doing it. In reality, lives are not changed through dramatic events. They are changed by small, almost incalculable influences over a long period of time. It has taken me a while to realize this and even longer to accept it. Thank you so much for doing this video. It is priceless.