LOVE has NOTHING to do with RELATIONSHIPS: setting the record straight

When people say they 'are looking for love' really they are looking to Be loved.

Relationships are conditional Love is unconditional

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but will rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always Hope's, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 The Bible I watched my parents Love each other based on the above definition of Love. They were married for 42 years. It was a beautiful thing to watch.

This was like a blinding flash for me at 37. A strong capacity for love actually makes you bad at relationships because it limits your willingness to assert needs and boundaries. You can’t remain defeated and humiliated in the long term of life.

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation.” (Osho)

This is ironically the most cynical, depressing, and beautiful thing I've heard in a long time and I'm not really sure what to do with it.

I think it's important to point out the dangers of unrequieted love. Lest anyone begin to romanticize that notion after the revelation that true love is selfless. Love is an interaction between two people, who both put the other's needs ahead of their own. It's almost like a competition for who can be the most selfless. Neither is concerned with how much they can get. Both are only concerned with how much they can give. This is not the same as wasting your time loving somebody who doesn't love you back. Who doesn't even know you exist, or even worse takes advantage of your affection for their own benefit. That will only distract you from more productive pursuits, such as: learning to be happily single, engaging an equitable relationships or loving somebody who actually loves you back. That last thing is exceptionally rare, so don't count on finding it. But even if you never do, it's better than simping over some woman who doesn't give you the time of day.

This is the single most important truth every single person needs to realise.

To our 7 years of marriage I realized love has nothing to do with it. It’s all about care, mutual support, compromises, healthy space and trust and respect:) it only grew with time

Men especially need to grasp this concept. Her "love" for you is conditional, unlike the love she gives her kids or pets. It's best if you understand your relationship is transactional...quid pro quo. The moment you love her, you lose your ability to have a transactional relationship; she now has control and you've opened yourself up to severe emotional and financial distress when she leaves you.

I watched my dad care for my mother with dementia. So much was on him but he would have it no other way. He wanted the very best for her just as she would have for him if situation were reversed. For months they slept in each other's arms every night. While many said.. what are you doing? You don't need this...put her in a memory center. No way he would do that and no way she wanted to either. His devotion to her which was difficult at times, joyous at others was amazing to witness. He did ask me to hire more help as it was needed yet they remained in their home even though they could have been in an expensive retirement home with him in his own apartment and her in memory care unit. That was not the choice. I watched my father minister to my mother in ways I doubted he could even do. I watched the devotion in her eyes. I saw the hands held, the embraces, heard the conversations. When she died (as happens to us all) he cried, saying his heart was broken. "She and only she was the love of my life. The girl I fell for in 5th grade." My mom was 90 when she died, my dad and mom the same age...

I let her go because I knew she would be happier. I love her to this day, more than anything. I hope she’s happy. Whatever she’s doing.

Two ex-lovers who wish the best for each other could be one example of love without a relationship.

This explains why arranged marriages can sometimes work. The relationship is imposed externally as a scaffolding for that love to build, but it can remain even if love is absent, for the value it provides the two connected families.

For people who grew up thinking that love is transactional, that giving love means receiving love in return, this is eye-opening.

Well said. When you truly love someone, you are willing to leave the relationship even if it destroys you in the process. I know, because I did it. I broke up with the only girlfriend I've ever had. Her mother hated me, and she was driving her daughter insane as a result. I realized that the only way for her to get out of the situation was for me to leave, if I stayed she would've lost not only her father, but her mother, and her sanity together with it. After that I lived 6 years of torment, I was feeling like my soul had been ripped apart, and I was the one who did it. When I try to explain people my experience nobody seems to understand, and eventually I realized that most people just dont get to experience what love is. In fact I only realized recently that "romantic" relationships are just transactional in the vast majority of cases. It's sad, I used to see (successful) relationships as something where both parties would love each other utterly and completely, hut clearly this isn't the case. Hell, even my ex-gf probably wasn't really in love with me, probably just very attached. It doesnt upset me though, she still has a place for her in my mind, and I wish she finds happiness eventually.

About 5 years ago, I experienced the closest thing to what you described with a musical partner. She played cello and I played guitar. We spent many hours practicing together. We performed on stage and at weddings. We never kissed, we never told each other this, but the music and performances stripped my armor and I surrendered to my love for her totally. I fell into a deep depression and did a lot of self-work. I was transformed. To this day, I still feel the love she gave me and I am so grateful for the experience.

This is exactly why we all dream of love. We all desire to be so connected to someone that we would give up ourselves for them as they would do for us

This video really opens your eyes—it packs a ton of truth into just 11+ minutes and it hits hard.

Dr Pat Allen is absolutely clear when she says all relationships must be negotiated.