How does people pleasing affect our lives? | ep.218

I decided to never talk bad to myself a decade ago, and also to never portray myself in a less than adequate way to others, It does help a little.

RE: ASD vs BPD... Same! In my 20s I was diagnosed with Depression and BPD (even put on medication that didn't help). In my 40s now, and my therapist asked me if I had considered neurodivergence and ASD. However, they never explicitly gave me a diagnose; rather, they talked me through what they were noticing and how to get tested. I wound up getting tested by an independent location, and officially diagnosed. Good luck on your journey!

I was JUST journaling about this. I am ALWAYS on high alert, and now that my son is a teen going through his own mental health struggles, I feel like a failure 24/7. AND... At 40yrs old I feel as though I've lived my entire life pretending to be what everyone else wanted/needed and now I have absolutely no idea who I really am. I know its my own choices that got me here but between my fear of / guilt for failing those around me and my lack of understanding of who I am, I've been more depressed than I've ever been. I want to take time for myself but struggle to do it because someone always needs/wants something for me. I'm a middle schook teacher dealing with special needs kids all day, then I go home to my family (with my 15yr old and 6 yr old), by the time I am done jumping through hoops "for" my students/coworkers"husband/kids)I have no time/energy for myself. I feel like I can't make any mistakes or can't let anyone down or they'll not like me/leave. I've always felt like I had to "earn" love/attention..at all cost. Its an exhausting and unhealthy way to live.

Thank you @Katimorton for answering my question about people pleasing. I’ve been doing a LOT of work on mindfulness and definitely know it can be hard not to act on it but can give it a shot (hopefully with curiosity and not judgement - working on this) Thank you!

People pleasing has held me back my whole life! these videos and therapy help out though, much appreciated! ❤

I like you because you do swear, authentic therapist !! I curse and my therapist does not mind.

People pleasing can be a safety thing because for those w physical trauma esp you monitor more to stay on guard.

Yes and thank you for this, live sharing it with my mother. We have always been generous- not over generous, not anymore.. but it has always been a way of saying “I know I may not be good enough in this way, and I am a distant person, but please understand my good feelings for you and that I would like to help

I love your sense of humor and you have been a great inspiration for me Katie. Thank you for your authenticity and compassion for spreading mental health awareness in the community.

'name 3 people pleased with you' hahaa love it. I grew up with an erratic shouty father, and I constantly people please, to the point where I've forgotten quite who I am and what I love. It is a struggle to find the balance, at first I was over the top, no I won't do that etc.. now I'm semi-pleasing...lol I dunno! I'm not sure I always spot when I doing it! I'm aware of it now which is the best part, and that will grow - I hope - Thank you x

Another great video. ❤ I’ve been a people pleasure most of my life, and I’m learning how to take care of myself while also become friends with people.

Hi Kati!! I’ve watched your videos since like 2018… you helped me A LOT to have some peace of mind during that period of time (it was a bunch of not-accurate self diagnose lol but help me thru the day and to stay calmed) and I would literally go to one of your videos because it made me feel so understood, and even if what you were talking about was not my case/situation at all, it helped me understand myself, my feelings and where did they come from. I told my psychologist (maybe not in the best way) about your videos and she advised me not to watch them anymore 😂 said that was not healthy 🙄 lol

My people pleasing is more like a "guilt". If i know someone is not well( and im really good at noticing that), i feel the responsability to do something about it. Because i KNOW the person is feeling bad. If i dont do anything, then im neglecting the person, by not helping them.

Many people with ASD have been diagnosed with BPD before reaching their autism diagnosis. I think it's a good idea to do the research and not just by looking at what the experts say (though this is important, as well), but to also look at how members of each community describe their lived experiences. This can help us make sense of our own lived experiences and see what resonates most with us.

Hi Kati. Why do I have such a hard time asking for help and accepting it? For example I’ve spent the last hour or so trying to get the courage to ask you my questions. I worry that I’ll trigger someone or that my questions are stupid. I don’t know. I just thought that I would ask you and hope for the best. Im sorry for being so awkward. Anyways thank you for all that you do. Your videos have helped me so much.

Do you think if one grew up with critical parents with high expectations one tends to be self critical

Thank you sister, alot of this applied to me, we appreciate you ❤

Oh and spot on with the eating disorder dieting question. I applaud you for that info and I hope it is truly heard. I had to discover this on my own journey.

“Why do I feel anxious despite knowing why?” LeDoux and Lisa Feldman Barrett would say anxiety evolved to keep you safe. A good quote is “Get those butterflies flying in formation!” because it recontextualizes the anxiety as normal and useful. If you’re going into something where the risk of injury is nonzero like a sporting event or a competition it’s good to be heightened. Like sunlight, some anxiety is healthy for you. Find the optimal zone of confusion or disregulation and ride the waves. :)

Lol, well if I have one comfort it's that my diagnosis is finally spot on after years of different professionals suspecting that I had PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizoid Personality Disorder. BPD was the only one where my therapist, psychiatrist, and MYSELF independently came to the same conclusion. It was such a weight off my shoulders to finally discover the root problem. Fear of my emotional episodes or social faux pas pushing people away (and thus being abandoned by them) is at the very core of my social anxiety. 11:35 I really appreciate the acknowledgement that it is a challenge ❤ So often, I hear people talk about these kinds of tips and they make it sound so f*cking easy. It's demoralizing. It means a LOT to me personally for someone to acknowledge that it IS incredibly difficult (almost painful, in my case) to do nothing when someone needs help. I didn't anticipate just how much that would help ease my guilt and it actually kind of lit a fire under my ass. Thank you SO MUCH ***After sitting on this for a while, there is one thing that actually disturbs me a bit. So, all kindness is manipulation then? All kindndess is just self-serving? No one is kind or helpful just because it's the right thing to do???? Because by this logic, every therapist I've ever had doesn't actually want to help me - they're just doing it for themselves. This just feels like a really pessimistic view of the world. IN CONCLUSION: This whole thing comes from a very Christian-normative worldview, where you are expected to do good things for a divine reward(heaven). The whole notion of "You must be kind to yourself before you can be kind to others" also comes from Western/Cristian enculturation (which western psychological studies are NOT immune to): you are god's creation and so you cannot truly love god until you love yourself. Guess what y'all: I'm not a Christian. Never been one. I'm a Humanist We believe in doing the right thing for our fellow man because humans are worth the effort, not because we're expected to in order to make Jesus proud. Being kind to others out of fear is absolutely unhealthy, no question. I'll even acquiesce the point that it's a form of manipulation. If skillfully swaying someone out of a negative space and into a positive one is a form of control, then call me the Manipulation Queen, because I'm not putting my humanity on hold to satisfy western psychological practice ✊✨