Adult with Autism | Autism & Self-Preservation | 58

Thanks!

The more you voluntarily give people, the more they will take. That's a lesson I've learned the hard way. Assign yourself a dollar value. Don't lowball yourself, either. Your time, your effort, and your energy are all worth something. If you are not getting something you consider to be beneficial out of the interaction, you should not be having it. Put your time, effort, and energy - your value - into things that give you value back. You can't get time, effort, or energy back once you've wasted it.

I've forever been accused of being a control freak because of the steps I've always taken even before my diagnosis to try to preserve my sanity. I didn't realize, of course, the reason I needed peace and quiet, and organization and a plan, and like you knew a family was just not for me was because of my neurodivergence - but I did know that I felt very, very stressed out in any situation where I had no control over what was going on. Quite a while before my diagnosis, I'd let the one-sided friendships fall away, and did spend many a sleepless night wondering how it is that everyone else seemed to have a vibrant social life and a gazillion friends and I did not. But then after I was diagnosed, it occurred to me that I'm most content when I'm doing by own thing, by myself, and there was a reason for that and that is just fine. I see the 'good people' in small doses and that's absolutely enough for me. I feel like my diagnosis gave me permission to just be me, and that I'm doing absolutely the right thing for me when I conserve my energy and only spend it on the people who want the best for me. Good on you for setting up a Patreon for yourself! You don't give yourself enough credit Paul, for being a wise man with a lot of useful life experiences and you should be compensated. It's expensive to create content - in time, materials, tools, etc. You're absolutely doing the right thing!

Thank you for this! The last six years have been difficult for me, because I’m realizing so many of my friendships have been me doing things for people in exchange for them tolerating my “weirdness”. Since I found out that I may have autism and that what I thought was normal life was actually decades of anxiety, I’ve been trying to make changes in my lifestyle and how I interact with people so that I’m not living under so much pressure. It’s been really frustrating lately to realize that most of my friendships aren’t reciprocal. And I start to feel bad sometimes, like, if I had seen how they were doing, or if I had texted them more often, would it be different? But then I have to remind myself, they don’t ask how I’m doing. They don’t text me. It’s been a disappointing process realizing that I only have like one or two real friends, but it’s still an improvement, and it’s less exhausting. Anyway, I made living for others a habit, and it’s nice to have a reminder like this to help me as I work on making new habits. Thank you! P.S. Don’t feel bad about doing a Patreon. Anyone mad about a content creator making a Patreon is a freeloader and a child.

"and kids will be screaming because kids scream for some reason." I felt that.

You have a great ethos there Paul. I called a good friend once and they said they were busy and would call me back. They never did, and we didn't see each other for 26 years!

This has been an important video for me. I've been telling a few people I'm autistic and the response has not been good. People want me to continue to mask for them, continue to do things for them, it seems to live my life for their comfort and benefit, etc. I had gotten to the point of deciding that they could either be supportive or not, but I was not going to continue to be "someone I am not" for them. They are people who, in the past have treated me as selfish when I tried to care for myself. After discovering that I'm autistic several years ago, I've started to figure out that I've been taken for granted (at best, and in some cases worse than that). I grew up in a large family and my role was to help and care for others. When I tried to do anything I needed, it was treated as selfish. Yet, I spent much of my time doing for others or trying to meet external standards. Most of my jobs have been caring for others in some way. I got paid for that, and I really did enjoy helping others, which for me had meaning. This was better than many jobs, to be honest. But doing this in my personal life is now in the process of changing. I will speak my mind about my autism (as I feel appropriate) and my needs and if people choose not to receive what I say ("you're not autistic" and perhaps thinking "you're just selfish and weird") that is their business, not mine to cater to them. I will move forward. I have many acquaintances who are not real friends, for one thing. I've had a few real friends in life, and there's a difference. Reciprocity is the key difference. Family is part of this, too, but is more complicated. Either, I plan to move forward. It's my life and I want to live it as I see fit. Thank you for the timely video! I plan to join your Patreon.

Self-care is not selfish. I've always seen it as a form of altruism. Because if I don't care for myself, I'll be no use to anyone.

I learned that if I don’t have boundaries in my relationships, I don’t exist in the relationship. If I don’t show up for myself, I am not showing up for other people even if I'm serving their needs. This dynamic is why autistic people often get stuck in parasitic, narcissistic relationships which are not healthy for anyone. There are worthwhile people who need anyone to be there with their boundaries. If we sacrifice ourselves without boundaries to people who don’t want us, just our services, we don’t exist in our life, their life, or the people who are desperate for anyone. Boundaries are the resistance that show others that we truly exist as a fully realized and honest human, wifh or without autism.

What about those of us without official diagnosis or are still unaware they are autistic? I just found out in my own at 45. Studies don't know about us. Up until about 5 years ago, I worked so hard trying to maintain relationships with family members that didn't do the same for me, then after a very unfulfilled trip that cost lots of time and money for nothing, I just stopped reaching out, and they didn't reach out to ask why, and honestly, I felt freed from it.

I come from a large family and recently told them I get ‘information overload’ in large noisy gatherings, and that I can only handle visits with one or two people in a calm, quiet place. This has removed so much stress and anxiety from my life. I no longer worry months in advance of weddings, holidays and family reunions because I don’t have to create excuses for not attending. They know I care about them, but must meet in my way or not at all. I determine the terms of engagement. They don’t know ‘why’ though, because they wouldn’t understand and I don’t trust them enough to share it.

I hear you.....I was asking how people were and such then realized others were not asking me or calling me and they didnt care and I felt bitter now I ask do I really care or am I doing a caring thing to be liked? Do I even care? Do I even like that person or am I looking to be liked.....for me that is my answer.

For years and years i gave selflessly to my family of origin and so many friends , coworkers and strangers. When my parents moved out of state i always flew home every year, sent gifts, called, etc.. the only time anyone came to see me was my egg donor because she was going to benefit off my sabbatical and vacation at the beach and be her supply. I deleted my Facebook and nobody called.. had an acquaintance that got me in his Lodge when i thought id make friends and when i needed help he wasn't around.. but yeah did i pay my member dues? When certain people said they loved me Id hear a voice in my head that said "they love what you do for them" Your videos are truly healing Paul. 💕

Cheers, Paul! Its been a while since I've commented on one of your videos. This one hit too deep. My mother used to say (When your in someone elses car your riding with them.) My whole life I have tried to be a good friend and relative to my loved ones. Going over and above trying to help others, even strangers with their hand out. I would put my bosses interests front and center in my work and I ended up getting shat upon and relegated to the edge of work groups. I threw picnics and small get togethers for my co workers. Any way I could repay a small kindness and show my appreciation. Remembering birthdays, giving gifts of produce from my gardens, laboring on home projects for (friends?) Most of them never made reciprocal gestures and I've always tried to look at it from the point of view that expecting reciprocity was selfish and good things come to you not from those whom you help but from the good energy you create by doing so. Now, after fifty odd years of having watched those friends and family members conveniently forget the sweat and blood I poured into their projects when I need help Im feeling like a fool. I refuse to denigrate the joy I felt sharing in doing those deeds which gave me some feeling of acceptance and community. However, many of those who I thought were closest to me came up short of time in their busy lives to return the favor even when I would ask months in advance. Family also whom I had labored for when my own home was in shambles trying to do everything myself because no matter how hard I worked I never seemed to get a raise. I worked construction and learned all I could to help in my renovations at home. Being on time for work was rewarded by pressuring me to pick up and transport co-workers who were such drunkards that they weren't allowed to drive. I spent so much effort trying to people please that I burned out. I held on at underpaying jobs for years sometimes stupidly hoping my hard work would be rewarded. The well connected people got the promotions. I ended up doing all the heavy lifting for them. All this sounds like I'm a sniveling little crybaby. I just finally realized that I had very few real friends and family and those few who still keep in touch are Neurodiverse. 29:32 The internet carried away many of those down their respective rabbitholes so I keep to myself mostly these days and dont socialize online at all. If you are too busy to text and make plans to keep friendships going I am not going to beat a dead horse trying to stay in touch. To be honest, its liberating not to have to go out and deal with the crowds and noise anymore. Ive droned on long enough! Im going to go work on my special interests for a bit. Just wanted to say hello and let you know there are others out here with the same struggles trying to fit into this baffling thing called society. Be well!

If id found out I was autistic earlier in life I wouldve made better decisions to serve me. Someone once said autistic people lack an "'I' reference point" and its true. We dont know who we are so we become codependent on the literal words of loved ones to fill in the gaps. Hence the puzzle piece. The diagnosis fills in that gap or vague space with a scientific/psychological understanding of why our brains work the way they do. I was a people pleaser because i couldnt understand myself and never knew what mistakes I made or would make socially. I couldnt identify what other people wanted. The diagnosis isnt an easy button. Its a key step toward self-awareness. Which is what we NEED to progress

Very important video and message. We're used to allowing others to exploit us and also guilt-trip us simply for having the same basic human needs as others. We're used to having our existences problematised and being pushed out. We have to stand up for ourselves and say NO. We are equally important - if not to anybody else then at least to OURSELVES... We need to make sure that WE come FIRST. Well said mate.

I think those that have spent their life being selfless and keep on wondering if they are being selfish, should get a free pass... Like, dude stop worrying, you have demonstrated you are not capable of being selfish even if you tried, go ahead and self-preserve.

You know how when you're depressed EVERYONE says, go do some volunteer work at a food bank! Meaning, that will fix it all for you. Uuhh... no!! Before I discovered I'm ASD I DID do that. ZERO HELP!!!!

Thanks for sharing this. I think these studies are funny, too. How can one manage their autism if they will be late diagnosed and don't know they're autistic lol? Today is the day I got diagnosed 2 years ago. I'm proud. I've come a long way. Have a good, peaceful weekend!

I moved out of a one bedroom by myself to move with my friend so they could go to school, because they couldn't afford to move there alone and their mom and boyfriend at the time refused to move with them. They took advantage of me financially and then had the audacity to be mad at me and claim i wasn't pulling my weight, when i paid 80% of all the bills and 100% for food and i attempted to keep the peace by not arguing with them but stating that i paid more then them, which they refused to believe. Then they sued me, attempting to get over 7k that i had already paid them... Never again.